Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

Hi, milo, thanks so much for reading and for your notes. I've been thinking.
As usual, I think I'm two steps forward, one back, or maybe one forward, two back.

hi ella, I am back!

edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

First, things I like here - the sonics are good, you are maintaining a nice meter in the spirit of eliot and pound. The line breaks are good. I don't care for the change into "ridden", "conjure", to me, feels contrived and gleam - what is gleam doing here? The last two lines are excellent visually. I have rolled back and forth to myself whether they belong in /this/ poem though.

Maybe I can clarify without changing so much.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats (comma or not?)
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

I'm pretty firmly at the last two lines belonging here.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

once again, some standout line breaks - particularly on passed. If the whole poem was terrible, it wold be worth reading for the line break on ghost and the one on passed.

You don't need "behind". "Replay" is the wrong word. L2 doesn't really parse properly. Everything else seems pretty good.

Once again, my attachment to before/behind may be misplaced. While I can change L2 to "paws mallet-like on tympanic boards" I think the whole line may not belong here at all, weighing down the poem with poetry.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Now I am down to 5 lines, which is how the tympani happened. It may be ill-advised, I don't look for it in other poems, but I feel mine need all the help they can get and that the continuity of line count pleases the reader whether they realize it or not. Thinking.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.

the rest of this is pretty good. You are pretty close to the end with this, a word here, a word there - it reads mostly finished. Salt-worn memories is definitely better than what were memories.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

I'm going to read through all the comments again to see if I'm missing anything now.
Again, so grateful for the help, and the fun of it.