11-29-2013, 10:15 PM
Hi, jc, I was really moved by your original version of this, and I am trying to figure out why for me the current version is not having the same effect.
I think he can hardly look at me. confuses the poem. This was implied by imagining having a father so deep in mourning, it lurked instead of being said. I think that was more effective for me.
And I'm missing this:
Wanting what'd be his in heaven
Hunger flaring, all he'd ask,
I thought it swung big.
This is an issue I have with my own poems during the editing process, weighing what was lost vs what was gained, so I may be overly attached to the original and be dead wrong here.
A side note, I've been enjoying your poems, they have a lovely voice, and your editing work has been interesting and educational for me.
Thanks for providing these fine threads.
I think he can hardly look at me. confuses the poem. This was implied by imagining having a father so deep in mourning, it lurked instead of being said. I think that was more effective for me.
And I'm missing this:
Wanting what'd be his in heaven
Hunger flaring, all he'd ask,
I thought it swung big.
This is an issue I have with my own poems during the editing process, weighing what was lost vs what was gained, so I may be overly attached to the original and be dead wrong here.
A side note, I've been enjoying your poems, they have a lovely voice, and your editing work has been interesting and educational for me.
Thanks for providing these fine threads.
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