11-29-2013, 07:01 AM
So the speaker is the sister of the girl? Is the girl grown now? Is she dead? What do you mean by heaven? You mean her new grownup life? Did she make a promise that she'd never leave, or never grow up?
I know what you're talking about, but that's because of things you've said about yourself. And I'll give you that regardless, because I can assume things about the one-time promise and returning now from heaven. But the rhymes are forced, and the phrasing is awkward. I can give you that too, if you need the speaker to sound that way. But the lines still feel forced and awkward to me.
Papa cries for one-time promise,
pearly teeth and pig-tailed hair,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
a parted presence, faintly there.
The revision is better than the one in the Mild thread. The last line in the first stanza, and the last line in the last stanza seem the most problematic.
I know what you're talking about, but that's because of things you've said about yourself. And I'll give you that regardless, because I can assume things about the one-time promise and returning now from heaven. But the rhymes are forced, and the phrasing is awkward. I can give you that too, if you need the speaker to sound that way. But the lines still feel forced and awkward to me.
Papa cries for one-time promise,
pearly teeth and pig-tailed hair,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
a parted presence, faintly there.
The revision is better than the one in the Mild thread. The last line in the first stanza, and the last line in the last stanza seem the most problematic.