11-29-2013, 05:34 AM
You could get rid of the she/her in each line.
A drab vortex of terra firma and metal.
Or something like that.
And maybe something other than SHE ROARED like a freight train, since that sounds overused. You could still use the freight train sound in some way.
A drab vortex of terra firma and metal.
Or something like that.
And maybe something other than SHE ROARED like a freight train, since that sounds overused. You could still use the freight train sound in some way.