An outbreak in Kansas

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='148331' dateline='1385529732']


Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.

my original opening was:

When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.

the first line is actually not terrible because it has music -

whentheTWIS tertouchedDOWN inGREENSburg

it is questionable because twisters as tornadoes are cliche as are they touching down but it is probably passable. But, and here is a thought, do you need to address it as a tornado directly or will the reader /know/ this. Does the storm have to "touch down" as storms do in news reports or can it do something more poetic.

She pounced to the ground like a grey leopard
playfully batting aside the trees, the wires
scratching the dirt up in a funnel

whatever, that isn't great but you can come up with something maybe or just leave the line like it is.

your second line is not as good. You need more music. Also, if someone is in a cellar, you don't need to say they are "already" in the cellar. And you are just telling us, poetry should never tell, it should "present", to do that you need to switch all of your static, descriptive statements to dynamic statements of presentation.

example:

Bobby and Joan were hiding in the cellar - static declaration
Bobby and Joan huddled in the cellar - presentation

etc.

Hey Milo,
I took you advice and reworked the opening. Here's what i came up with.
Thanks for your time,
Chazz

For twenty-two miles she whirled like a top,
her drab colors a vortex of terra firma and metal.
Steady on her needle, she roared like a freight train,
the landscape in her wake a dismal panorama.