Knowing Suzie edit0.001 chris,trophos

[tectak]

This is really fun! Since you're rhythms are so precise and exact most of the time, the places where (to my ear) they stutter a bit stand out. It also seems like the first and second stanzas break the pattern in their rhythms? I've put the beats I'm hearing per line below each stanza - it's usually 4-3-4-3-2, which I think works really well.

Suzie told Tamara that I said she was a skag, 'Suzie said to Tamara that I said she was a skag' - if you don't mind the repetition of said I think the double beats between the names works better
and she is, but we all know it anyway.
So I hate her and I told her that she ought why not move 'to butt right out' to this line? then you keep the four beats like you had in L1
to butt right out; then she said that I was jealous! of course, then you'll need to add another beat in this line to match L2
Silly cow.
4-3-3-3-2

Suzie says that probably I’ll end up on the shelf
but she lies, the nasty bitch, and I know why.
I heard she shows her tits to the motorcycle boys 'to all the motorcycle boys' I think is smoother
and when I said I knew it ‘cause of what Tamara said, As it stands, the meter of this line is off - you have to say Tamara's name weirdly for it to work, or something. I like 'and when I said I knew it,' but then it's wonky.
Suzie cried.
4-3-4-4-2

Suzie said she hated me for saying what I’d heard;
But who cares? I never saw her as a friend.
So when she went upstairs, at a party with a dude,
I sneaked into the room and watched them shag. the motivation here isn't clear - the narrator doesn't care that Suzie hates her, and therefore she wanted to watch her shag that dude? Why?
Suzie squealed.
4-3-4-3-2

Suzie tried to get away, but then she went all limp this line kind of sounds rapey, which is weird - elsewhere it seems like Suzie's having fun
and she moaned like mingers in cheap porno films. I think the accents get off here - the syllabic beats are there, but there's not a coincidence of ictus and accent, to not-entirely-properly borrow from Roman metrics - the beats end up being on moaned - in - films
Then all at once I felt that I had to have a pee; I don't love this line, rhythm or words. 'Then all at once I felt I was about to piss my pants?' Not sure.
I jumped out from behind the corner screen. nit-picky: we had her sneaking into the room above, but it's a bit unclear how she got behind a corner screen - I think what's bothering me is the specificity of a corner screen here when placement elsewhere is pretty vague
Suzie screamed.
4-3-4-3-2

Suzie ran right past me, with panties round one foot; I'd just add a possessive pronoun - 'her panties' - for the rhythm
she was mad. The dude stood, laughing, in his socks.
I pissed myself a little but at least the room was dark;
I threw up on the bed where they had been. as with the rapey line above, this is kind of a different tone emotionally than is going on elsewhere.
Suzie sobbed.
4-3-4-3-2

Suzie shouted cursies from outside the bedroom door cursies? a cute form of curses?
and she laughed. I bawled out “Open up, you whore!”
I hauled the handle hard to me, then suddenly it gave oh! such very nice consonance here
and there stood Suzie, bare and soft and gold.
Suzie smiled. this is as good a time as any to mention how much I enjoy your 'Suzie verbed' stanza endings, since this one is particularly punchy
4-3-4-3-2

We looked for just a moment like bitches both on heat. 'just a moment then' - I think that extra syllable makes the rhythm smoother. Or you could do 'two bitches,' same effect. Is 'on heat' a Brit thing or a typo? In the US it would be 'in heat'
It was weird; I felt that I was her and me.
I let her move her hand out slow, she touched me on my breast.
I pressed her fingers hard into my flesh;
Suzie sighed.
4-3-4-3-2

The dude was getting dressed as we slipped in to the room.
He was high. He didn’t watch. We went to bed. great tight line, meaning and meter
The street lights lit the room as he closed tight the landing door.
On open mouth her kiss was like warm cream. maybe I'm way too literal a reader but I couldn't stop worrying about how the narrator had needed to pee before. Also how she'd puked on the bed earlier, and now I assume they're making out in it? Sorry...
Suzie squirmed.
4-3-4-3-2

Suzie told Tamara that I said that she was hot, I like how this echoes the first line. I still prefer 'Suzie said to Tamara'. Unless you're hearing Tamara with an accent on the second syllable throughout? I'm basically hearing 'Tam'ra' with the accent on the Tam.
and she is, but they don’t know her like I do.
I guess that we’re in love, a girl can love a girl, 'we're in love because' smoothes to rhythm to my ear
and we do the things that all girls want to do. maybe 'all the things that all girls want to do'?
Suzie says. maybe a comma instead of a full stop after 'want to do'
4-3-4-3-2

Like I said, I really enjoyed this, and I appreciate how careful you are with the rhythms. I think there's a little schizophrenia between whether you want to present a cohesive narrative or not - like the motivation of the girl wanting to watch Suzie shag, like the needing to pee then not, like the unclear relationship in the last stanza between Suzie being hot and how well the narrator knows her compared to them - but I think the voice is fantastic. Thanks for sharing

Hi trophos,
as you may have gathered this little fanciful philip was in the fun forum for some mouldering. I whipped it out and relocated it as no one laughed. Yes to almost all your meter notes...I was not seriously inclined when it wrote itself. Now, I will give it another stir. CURTSIES...where the hell did that come from? Oh yes. Our females are "on" heat, males "in" musk(uncommon) Your point about the emotional shift is perceptive. I really was sliding in to the dawn of wakening bisexuality. I actually enjoyed constructing the shift.
Best,
tectak