11-28-2013, 04:34 PM
(11-28-2013, 01:20 PM)trophos Wrote: Thank you very much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. I've dropped the last two lines of S2 - I don't know what 'andy' means, but I agree they were not very strong. I think the stanza ends better with the image of the saris flapping up anyway, much more precise and concrete and vivid. I'm torn on the become/became question - I want the participle, but you're right that people will expect the verb. I'll mull on that. You're right about the punctuation, though - I went with a comma rather than a colon, but a full stop definitely wasn't right. And thanks for surreally - I quite like that. It inspired a few other changes in word choice. I put up a new draft above, I think you honed in on some small things that made a big difference, so thanks againHi,
Well, it is entirely right that you should see improvement by small changes but it ill becomes me to take ANY credit...as I said, it was already excellent. I do agree, now that you cannot self-offend, that dropping those two lines end S2 was a "good" idea. The flaming saris works as a great final curtain. "andy" just means that the conjunctively linked list is usually weak...here, it just works. You can interpret "just" one of two ways!
Best,
tectak