11-28-2013, 06:19 AM
Papa cries for one-time promise,
pearly teeth and pig-tailed hair,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
a parted presence, faintly there.
The first stanza still seems sketchy.
All your simple childs prayers
childs is missing something; or you could just write child
replay in broken memory,
and papa’s pain goes undisguised
he can hardly look at me.
Now screams ring from his great lungs
fill the air with tortured wrath.
screams ring fill the air? I guess it could be said that way. Now, in the present.
Can't you return now from heaven?
Sister listen, all he asks,
is for our painted poles and ribbons
your ponies prancing on the lawn.
Not engraved for stone cold ages,
not beckoning, "Move on."
What was it you said you wanted in this poem? It still seems like fragmented sentences pieced together.
pearly teeth and pig-tailed hair,
for purple pockets filled with pebbles;
a parted presence, faintly there.
The first stanza still seems sketchy.
All your simple childs prayers
childs is missing something; or you could just write child
replay in broken memory,
and papa’s pain goes undisguised
he can hardly look at me.
Now screams ring from his great lungs
fill the air with tortured wrath.
screams ring fill the air? I guess it could be said that way. Now, in the present.
Can't you return now from heaven?
Sister listen, all he asks,
is for our painted poles and ribbons
your ponies prancing on the lawn.
Not engraved for stone cold ages,
not beckoning, "Move on."
What was it you said you wanted in this poem? It still seems like fragmented sentences pieced together.