11-27-2013, 02:22 PM
If you live in tornado alley you quickly learn
ok, either I live in tornado alley or I don't, you are the writer, you tell me. (problem of address). Next, what is quickly? If I live in tornado alley will I learn so quickly that I already know? Or am I going to learn soon? This statement makes no sense!!! On the one case, it would be if I live in tornado alley, I already know (so i won't learn anything) otherwise, maybe I just moved there? What are the chances this poem only addresses people who have just moved to tornado alley and haven't learned something that they will learn "quickly". I hope they read this poem before teh next tornado.
[/quote]
Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.
my original opening was:
When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.
So now this is my opening. What sucks now? Because, if this sucks in any way i will rewrite it until you feel we can move on. I trust your judgement Milo i've seen your work and I'm ready and capable to make this poem happen. Below is an example of what i was going for style wise and i'm aware that i failed, but i always write a few shit drafts at first.
Thanks for your patience....
Chazz
First stanza of After Auschwitz by C.K Williams
We’d wanted to make France
but by dusk we knew we wouldn’t,
in a Bavarian town
just off the autobahn,
we found a room, checked in,
and went to look around.
ok, either I live in tornado alley or I don't, you are the writer, you tell me. (problem of address). Next, what is quickly? If I live in tornado alley will I learn so quickly that I already know? Or am I going to learn soon? This statement makes no sense!!! On the one case, it would be if I live in tornado alley, I already know (so i won't learn anything) otherwise, maybe I just moved there? What are the chances this poem only addresses people who have just moved to tornado alley and haven't learned something that they will learn "quickly". I hope they read this poem before teh next tornado.
[/quote]
Ok Sir,
I understand your point, lets move on, i'm cutting the first two lines.
my original opening was:
When the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar.
So now this is my opening. What sucks now? Because, if this sucks in any way i will rewrite it until you feel we can move on. I trust your judgement Milo i've seen your work and I'm ready and capable to make this poem happen. Below is an example of what i was going for style wise and i'm aware that i failed, but i always write a few shit drafts at first.
Thanks for your patience....
Chazz
First stanza of After Auschwitz by C.K Williams
We’d wanted to make France
but by dusk we knew we wouldn’t,
in a Bavarian town
just off the autobahn,
we found a room, checked in,
and went to look around.