Go gentle into the yield (Edit 2)

[Truerenigma]

Hi True,
Thanks for your time and feedback on this one.
A bit of a long reply going on here. I would really appreciate your thoughts or any further comments if you have the time (or the will power to look through these notes) – Cheers AJ
I am debating if I want / need to put out some spoiler notes on this one, because I have actually written something that is important to me as the writer to maintain my story / image in…but I do really want to improve and make this the best poem I can. I think the issue of the reason behind the motivation to write a poem is an interesting one – have I written because I love life, an in particular a specific aspect of life, or am I writing because I love poetry. Obviously there would hopefully be aspects of both, but sometimes, I think we write with a very individual objective in mind or even just for ourselves. I think this poem is one of those for me. (Perhaps this would make a good discussion).
So in this poem I am trying to convey the idea that working with horses is a spiritual and highly inspirational part of my life that in some way is intrinsically linked to who I am and why I write poetry. In other words this one is close to the truth about what makes me tick !
In the not so dim past I ran a horse stud and bred and then broke in said young horses to ride. I used a very gentle way to work with them which has been given various names, horse whispering, natural horsemanship. Basically it is about using the horses’ body language and natural instincts to communicate what you want in a non violent way.

So to specifically answer your points (not that I don’t agree with many of your comments, but because it is so specific and personal I want to keep a tighter control on this one).

Almost anything in stanza one is up for grabs. I was just trying to write an interesting intro to my main subject and to introduce the ideas I mention above. The clay pots = Man, as in created by God and this in turn is meant as a continuation from the puddled cups = 2 images for consideration. On the potters wheel - wet clay and also was intended as a connection from the myth into present day. The inspiration of the flow from the nine muses and pegasus translated into man. The second idea is the practice of making a pond by puddling clay. The river of higher inspiration becoming changed from the intended glory by being collected in the works of inferior man. Probably too much to be communicated in a few lines but this was my thought process .

In the next two stanza's I am the leaf (caught in an eddy from the inspirational flow - now in a puddled cup or clay pot)
Then there is a second player / part which is a young horse - flighty and suffering a tumult of emotions and potential resposes as it is put into a new situation. (An avalanch of body language signals - hard to read and control).
The last stanza is meant to be where the two worlds of spirituality and myth touch and dance in one flow unhindered (like the waters in the myth)

The horse is backed to ride and carries the leaf. But this can only be done by letting go of all the man made ideas and plugging back into something pure and from the spiritual side of life.

Well then, since you're using psychological tricks like questioning my will power, I guess I have no choice!

I'm only kidding, and not to worry, poems make excellent conversation peices, and I'm happy to help.



I read this as more of an invocation of the muse and/or a prayer (for lack of a better word) to Pegasus, a source of poetic inspiration, by way of hippocrene.

With all of the references to Helicon, Hippocrene, and muses, all that I get from the "horse" is the myth, that is to say, Pegasus. It never occurred to me that there is may be a "real" horse.

That is not to belittle your train of thought at all, it is just what I get from the poem.

TBH I think the sentiments you have expressed in your reply regarding the care of horses and the various profundities that you've associated with /that/ relationship are very interesting; and may do well in producing a much simpler poem, without the mythe, and grounded in reality. It seems to me that you have a gold mine of life experience to draw from, and I'm interested in hearing about it. If you do choose to write this other poem I would be happy to help you with it, in whichever forum you may choose to post it.

I'm afraid your hopes for S1 may be far too ambitious for this poem. I suspected that the clay pots and the cups may be connected, but dismissed it because the connection is unclear, and pots are not the same thing as cups. Epithets rarely get us the effects we want them to. I struggle with the same thing. It would be nice to just be able to just call something something else that sounds better, but without anything literal to associate with them, and a clear connection between the two, metaphors and symbols tend to fizzle out fairly quickly.

Considering S1 is "up for grabs", and not nearly as important to you or the poem as the rest, consider cutting S1 altogether. "Like a leaf in still waters.." is a good opening line.

Also consider a new title. (The poem is not about singing muses, and the heart of the poem is in the horse and rider.)

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Another thing, maybe drop the "ed" in "yielded". The verb is stronger.