11-27-2013, 01:51 AM
Thanks for the share! I enjoyed the narrative, but there were a couple bumps along the road. See my humble comments below, and good day to you.
(11-26-2013, 09:15 AM)Mitya Wrote:
They'd thought they could sail the seven saltiest seas
but they sailed straight to hell; they wander aimlessly
for up went the froth, and dance did the waves
as swam did the sailors down deep to their graves - I enjoyed the imagery and rhyme of this stanza.
Poseidon had pulled up the porcelain plug - This line might convey the discrepancy in agency of the God versus the Men, but it does so at great cost of emotional depth - it's just such a hilarious image that it's tough to resume the more somber tone of the lines after.
he'd sent it to smash all their submarine subs. - This is a bit disconcerting: submarine-submarines?
So that man did retreat but still secretly spoke
as he knelt by it's feet in hushed tones of hope - by what did they kneel?
of the glorious day that he'd tackle this goat - The appearance of the goat is sudden and seems distant from the oceanic theme.
and the glorious way that he'd slit out his throat
and how he would ride under skies open wide
through all of the moats of the seven saltiest seas.