Droplets 2
#3
This was a very rich experience full of crisp imagery. Thanks for the share!

I've offered a couple thoughts below.

(11-26-2013, 01:42 PM)tomoffing Wrote:  Droplets

I know not from what source you and I sprang forth.
We surfaced from the lost collected depths
of long past falls, or melted and dripped
from crystal spires of ancient ice on high,
where we glistened in the ceiling of the sky. - 'ceiling' puts a untoward cap on the beautiful image built up over this stanza
Perhaps we were wished to exist
by chill settling summer morning mist,
or spilled from rolling hills those before us built. - I love this line, great image and adds temporal depth to the poem.
I am not troubled by from whence we bubbled. - I'm not too keen on the rhyme here
We flow together in but one direction.

I care not on what choppy courses
uncontrollable forces have driven you to me,
or what you carry from pools of cruel pollution.
In muddied waters we are a solution.
I will not judge regrets left in rocky seams.
The banks of both our youthful streams
are littered with leaves of hopeful dreams.
I do not understand the torrents
you've journeyed through; nor do I ask you to.
We flow together in but one direction.

I am concerned only with to where we rush.
Run with me to sculpt the future's landscape. - this line niggles the flow for me, it feels like it is casting the reader's attention to the future and away from the imagery and pace we were moving at. Does that make sense?
From unseen cliffs we will soar
and cast rainbows amidst the tumbling roar.
Swelled with rains we will burst, and flood,
and course the veins of cracked and broken mud.
The ripples of life pulse within our blood.
And where our forebears meandered,
we will carve through and drown their bends.
We will move mountains, we will move men.
And at the end we will gurgle and foam
and sift amongst breathless sands;
Not yet of the ocean, no longer bound to land.
Held and ebbed by the same ceaseless tide
and swallowed by the vast forgetful brine.
We're remembered only in the path left behind.
So let us cast adrift our silts, drown our imperfections,
that truly we might flow together in but one direction.
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Messages In This Thread
Droplets 2 - by tomoffing - 11-26-2013, 01:42 PM
RE: Droplets 1 - by ellajam - 11-26-2013, 03:25 PM
RE: Droplets 1 - by Polar Bear - 11-27-2013, 01:13 AM



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