11-26-2013, 05:48 AM
'The green seeds I sown long ago'.. I'm just being nitpicky (for your sake) but does that really work? Maybe leave out 'I' and just put sown. Or 'green seeds that I had sown years before' personally I prefer the brevity of my first suggestion.
The last sentence of S2 seems rhythmically off. Perhaps trying to remove the comma and rewording it wouldn't hurt. You could probably even find a new place to place the comma if you really wanna keep it.
Y'know if you really wanna thinks bout something cool: in the last stanza you can change a word or two to alter the imagery in an interesting way. Though molding may work better for your purposes, but if you replaced it with folding, how do you think that would effect it?
Overall nice poem, had some nice flow and it's really rather eloquent. I can't wait to see an edit if you do one.
The last sentence of S2 seems rhythmically off. Perhaps trying to remove the comma and rewording it wouldn't hurt. You could probably even find a new place to place the comma if you really wanna keep it.
Y'know if you really wanna thinks bout something cool: in the last stanza you can change a word or two to alter the imagery in an interesting way. Though molding may work better for your purposes, but if you replaced it with folding, how do you think that would effect it?
Overall nice poem, had some nice flow and it's really rather eloquent. I can't wait to see an edit if you do one.