11-25-2013, 11:42 AM
This is a thoughtful poem, Mikeodial. It is a thoughtful poem that fits very well the format you have given it. The narrator speaks wisely, as someone who is reflecting on past regrets. The stanzas that mention J.D. Salinger reinforce this voice of experience.
Even so, the narrator is not speaking from a place of despair. There is a note of assurance in the diction, which ripens beautifuly by the final stanza. That final stanza works beautifully as a solution to the narrator's problems. Indeed, he has already accepted the sentiments espoused by it, and put them to good use.
The poem is, as Fatalshores mentioned, a longer one. But that is only a further mark of talent, which you clearly possess. There were small things that could have been rearranged. 'pretty soon' might have worked even better if it had come after the stanza introducing 'first one is free', etc.
In longer poems, however, these things don't hurt so much as in shorter ones. Because it is longer, there is more room for you to build up an impression, without necessarily needing every word work perfectly together with all the others. This poem comes close to reaching that mark. With a little thought, you could make it work very well.
Even so, the narrator is not speaking from a place of despair. There is a note of assurance in the diction, which ripens beautifuly by the final stanza. That final stanza works beautifully as a solution to the narrator's problems. Indeed, he has already accepted the sentiments espoused by it, and put them to good use.
The poem is, as Fatalshores mentioned, a longer one. But that is only a further mark of talent, which you clearly possess. There were small things that could have been rearranged. 'pretty soon' might have worked even better if it had come after the stanza introducing 'first one is free', etc.
In longer poems, however, these things don't hurt so much as in shorter ones. Because it is longer, there is more room for you to build up an impression, without necessarily needing every word work perfectly together with all the others. This poem comes close to reaching that mark. With a little thought, you could make it work very well.