11-25-2013, 11:24 AM
You make good use of alliteration throughout this poem, which is always something I love to see and hear. Further, the concept of the poem, its underlying sentiment, is very familar. It is an emotion felt by so many, especially today. You say in your post that you are not contemplating suicide, but there are probably many that would be. That is a testament to your foresight, as tragic as it is.
The third line might sound better if you maintain parrallelism there. Instead of, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way," you might try, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath; I cry along the way"
Also, "set through" might serve well as "marked by," which would work excellently with the other 'em' sounds in the second line. " At the same time, Solitude would probably work better with "set through". You might find focusing on just 'm' or 's' sounds in that line beneficial.
The third line might sound better if you maintain parrallelism there. Instead of, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way," you might try, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath; I cry along the way"
Also, "set through" might serve well as "marked by," which would work excellently with the other 'em' sounds in the second line. " At the same time, Solitude would probably work better with "set through". You might find focusing on just 'm' or 's' sounds in that line beneficial.