Susceptible to change

[Keith]

Young enough to notice
for the first time,
so soft and smooth the moment.
Caught on clarities torn veil,
drawn towards perfect features,
melting critic to a masterpiece.
A creature well hidden till now,
buried beneath story board Beano’s,
angry looks and desperate Dandy’s.
Eyes open primeval,
reveals a change dog bite brutal.
Standing hillside looking back
breathless,
I think to brush pure beauty,
reddened by rushed mouths,
alive my writhing needs,
taking tingles under your touch.

Hi keith,
I think you will edit this again of your own volition, as it appears susceptible to change. If parts of it Yoda out loudly to my ears, then I am sure you will hear it,too.
You got hooked on a device at the outset...you know the one. So sentences are written, curtailed... that kind of thing. Then you went with the flow and ended up the words inverted are.
"Eyes open primeval" stumps me until we get "...a change dog bite brutal"??? What IS going on? To be honest, alive my writhing needs.
To be controversial, I think the words are fine but in the wrong order. Are you copying a style unknown to me? There is a Don Quixotic-forsooth pritheeness about it which seems misplaced.
Anyway, standing hillside looking back breathless sums it up for me.
Help.
Best,
tectak

Tectak thank you for your dog bite brutal honesty, yes I see it now. I wasn't copying any style I managed to get here all on my own. As you say susceptible to change.