Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[milo]

For me, crumbling pretty much suggests column already but, seeing as we have a metaphorical bridge we get the erosion of the "support" of n's current ego. As people we are composed of memories, as the crumble, (the bridge between past and future) so does the support of the structure of our ego.

I hadn't really considered the /ego/ angle myself, but I like the way you're thinking.

Yah, maybe, but how is that related to /this/ poem. Seems like a red herring to me. Have we considered what metrically moving the caesura from before crumbling to before columns accomplishes? I feel it moves the emphasis from the crumbling to the column.

Isn't discussing a caesura before columns getting a little ahead of ourselves? It hasn't even made it into the poem! The author may leave it as it is, or come up with something far more interesting. It is a good point though, I would be interested in seeing what sort of effect it might have on the poem.

I don't know if it is ahead or not, this is pretty much the way I think so for me it seems right. Word choice is pretty important, sometimes a single word makes or breaks a poem.

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I have the feeling that the last five lines can be more effective, I'm going to experiment with it some more.

All best!
Jan

I have been thinking a bit about the last few lines. I am not sure how you feel about "let it all out"

It is pretty close to cliche, and, reading it, I am not sure if it is clear to everyone that you are screaming. What about "and scream"?