11-25-2013, 02:46 AM
[quote='jdvanwijk' pid='147654' dateline='1384870639']
Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)
Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so -
my brother and I spent hours
howling as the trains crashed by.
A funeral today, another
bridge support crumbling down. ------(trestle crumbling down)
And like a ghost, I appear
in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
topped it with a little park.
I close my eyes and hear
the fast train approaching,
inhale all the air -------------------------------------( every molecule? ) Maybe this would suit better because the way this reads to me you are inhaling air from the windows and the sun.
in the park, the streets, the city,
the light from the windows,
the sun -
and let it all out.
Hey there,
Don't want to step in on the critique here but i threw in a few things that may help and hopefully they won't hinder.
Chazz
Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)
Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so -
my brother and I spent hours
howling as the trains crashed by.
A funeral today, another
bridge support crumbling down. ------(trestle crumbling down)
And like a ghost, I appear
in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
topped it with a little park.
I close my eyes and hear
the fast train approaching,
inhale all the air -------------------------------------( every molecule? ) Maybe this would suit better because the way this reads to me you are inhaling air from the windows and the sun.
in the park, the streets, the city,
the light from the windows,
the sun -
and let it all out.
Hey there,
Don't want to step in on the critique here but i threw in a few things that may help and hopefully they won't hinder.
Chazz