Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[milo]

Hello Milo,

I've tried several different things with the first verse, and now agree with you that "as the trains crashed by" just sounds a lot better. And there's a slight ambiguity to it that I now find kind of interesting. (Was it a game? Or were they scared of the trains? Or maybe the brothers were fighting (howling at each other) for hours?)

An important change in the second verse; what do you think?

I have the feeling that the last five lines can be more effective, I'm going to experiment with it some more.

All best!
Jan

I am pleased to see you eliminate an "of" statement - your instincts are correct, they always weaken poems. I am surprised I didn't point it out, I was going to post a whole discussion thread about my hatred of "of" in poems.

I am liking your changes. Last five lines could probably use a little work. Take your time, experiment some, don't forget you can always go back if you change your mind.

I am curious about "topped" now, is there a word that means the same that points to your central metaphor - maybe "buried" or "covered" or something along those lines.

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Good job with the edits so far. I still would really like to see something a little more solid than support in S2. I know that you feel the abstract "support" is holding your metaphor up, but bridge trusses all carry their own symbolism, and hold mystical properties: column, post, cable, wire, strut, arch, beam, pillar, tower...Which best describes your support?

I actually prefer the word "support", it is a common enough term and gives the double meaning. As far as other words, it is tough to say without seeing them - column might work, though not as well as support, truss or cable wouldn't, neither would arch, span would be a great word to work into the poem but not as a substitute. Pillar might work as well but it would change the focus of the whole poem - it would immediately become important /who/ died where now it is not.