11-24-2013, 07:30 PM
Hi Chris - good edit.
I look through the lines and offer any thoughts as I do.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='147640' dateline='1385056534']
Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)
Ice Aged
Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This is a really great re-word you have done here. (especially what you have done with the first couple of lines) It is an amazing transformation and this and the new title I can see no crits to offer.
The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves, heslopian mentioned it in his first crit, but now it has been mentioned i am not so sure about the dire preface to wolves. It makes me think what is dire about them. lean perhaps?...but maybe just wolves.
now frozen TV-dinners Just to mention i do not have a problem with TV dinners and glad you kept it - think the narrator is not speaking from the ice age so this is a relevant mention for me.
for sociopathic sharks The change of word here gives me a much stronger picture - it takes some of the humour away that I saw in the first read, but for the better i think.
that have not yet evolved.
Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Love this stanza - calve into brine is my favorite line
Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Do you need "the" before obsidian (it feel gramatically wrong but this is not my strong point so I could be wrong)
Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, I like the use of delinquencies, to give the fog a personification as i get a sense of the ice flow having a persona which has not benn over played, but placement of the word it still reads wrong for me. (but i'm not sound enought on grammar to explain why) How about delinquent fog exhales...
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. Overall the last stanza has been much improved and my enjoyment of your poem has been increased with the edit.
all the best AJ
I look through the lines and offer any thoughts as I do.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='147640' dateline='1385056534']
Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)
Ice Aged
Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This is a really great re-word you have done here. (especially what you have done with the first couple of lines) It is an amazing transformation and this and the new title I can see no crits to offer.
The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves, heslopian mentioned it in his first crit, but now it has been mentioned i am not so sure about the dire preface to wolves. It makes me think what is dire about them. lean perhaps?...but maybe just wolves.
now frozen TV-dinners Just to mention i do not have a problem with TV dinners and glad you kept it - think the narrator is not speaking from the ice age so this is a relevant mention for me.
for sociopathic sharks The change of word here gives me a much stronger picture - it takes some of the humour away that I saw in the first read, but for the better i think.
that have not yet evolved.
Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Love this stanza - calve into brine is my favorite line
Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Do you need "the" before obsidian (it feel gramatically wrong but this is not my strong point so I could be wrong)
Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, I like the use of delinquencies, to give the fog a personification as i get a sense of the ice flow having a persona which has not benn over played, but placement of the word it still reads wrong for me. (but i'm not sound enought on grammar to explain why) How about delinquent fog exhales...
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. Overall the last stanza has been much improved and my enjoyment of your poem has been increased with the edit.
all the best AJ