11-24-2013, 06:43 PM
Hello Milo,
I've tried several different things with the first verse, and now agree with you that "as the trains crashed by" just sounds a lot better. And there's a slight ambiguity to it that I now find kind of interesting. (Was it a game? Or were they scared of the trains? Or maybe the brothers were fighting (howling at each other) for hours?)
An important change in the second verse; what do you think?
I have the feeling that the last five lines can be more effective, I'm going to experiment with it some more.
All best!
Jan
I've tried several different things with the first verse, and now agree with you that "as the trains crashed by" just sounds a lot better. And there's a slight ambiguity to it that I now find kind of interesting. (Was it a game? Or were they scared of the trains? Or maybe the brothers were fighting (howling at each other) for hours?)
An important change in the second verse; what do you think?
I have the feeling that the last five lines can be more effective, I'm going to experiment with it some more.
All best!
Jan