Ice Aged

[heslopian]

Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This verse is much improved, especially by your addition of "burial mounds", which adds a clarity and poignance, and the rhythm you've effected with your shorter lines.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved. It's amazing how much the removal of those needless capitals has improved this verse. It's suddenly gone from clunky and pretentious to powerful and elegant.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Perfect, concise lines, a nicely self-contained verse.


Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Is "the" needed?

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, Is this line needed? The verse is otherwise perfect, and might be fully rounded if you cut this line and change "releasing" to "it releases" in its successor. Just a thought; I really don't want to suggest too much, as you've made a miraculous edit already.
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm really really enthusaistic about this edit You've turned what was a clunky and plodding poem into something majestic. Critique is, as always, JMHO. Thank you for the read