Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[milo]

Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)

Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so.
My brother and I spent hours
howling at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge crumbles down.
And like a ghost, I appear

in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
topped it with a little park.

I close my eyes,
fast train approaching,

and inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,

inhale the light from the windows,
the sun -

and let it all out.

I think this is a very strong edit. You have really cut to the root of the poem. Any other changes will most likely be preference changes. I have two more spots that I think you should consider.

1. - I think you might want to consider "as the trains crashed by"

2. - I think after close my eyes, you should have something like "and sense" or "and feel" or "and hear" even possibly "and see" to lend strength to the fact that it is a memory.

Overall, I think it is coming along nicely.