11-24-2013, 04:50 AM
Hello Milo,
Thanks again for your great help. I like "crumbles" (crashing/crumbles). The line feels a bit long now though, is that a problem?
In edit 3 I tried to do the controlled ambiguity for the sun as well, thanks for pointing it out.
Breath sounds a bit odd to me (Inhale all the breath?), but I'll give it some more thought!
I removed the whole "It was small..." bit by the way, and there's actually a pretty cool structure in the lines now (4-3-3-2-2-2-1), like a train speeding up.
Thanks again for your great help. I like "crumbles" (crashing/crumbles). The line feels a bit long now though, is that a problem?
In edit 3 I tried to do the controlled ambiguity for the sun as well, thanks for pointing it out.
Breath sounds a bit odd to me (Inhale all the breath?), but I'll give it some more thought!
I removed the whole "It was small..." bit by the way, and there's actually a pretty cool structure in the lines now (4-3-3-2-2-2-1), like a train speeding up.