11-23-2013, 11:44 PM
Tyler had a plan. Before Jack and Seth returned, he would free himself from the zip ties, get the inhaler, and pull one of the pipes from the wall to use as a weapon. As plans went, it had the advantage of being simple and direct.
(However, there was a flaw. Step one seemed impossible.)
something like this will move you to your next paragraph cleaner
There was a flaw though, he couldn’t get past step one.
He’d heard all the stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. He needed to give birth, or start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He yanked harder against the bonds. His straining and grunting only seemed to be hurting his wrists more. He was getting nowhere.
(seemed to make him hurt more.....
Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of. Kurt Vonnegut.
(I do this as well when I draft. Too many he/he's try to break this pattern)
loose Example this is your work not mine.
Tyler had heard stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. With hard yanks to the bonds Tyler wondered if he needed to give birth, start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He was getting nowhere and all of his Straining and grunting just hurt his wrists more.
(Sloppy example sorry but I’m short on time today.)
To add to this joy, Ben’s wheezing sounded worse. The other boy hung in place with his head down making no effort to get free. Maybe he’d tried the same plan earlier and had (omit Had) given up. “We’ll get out of this.” Tyler said, which was sounding to him more stupid by the minute. (Choppy needs a clean up)
Tyler noticed that there was a bit of give between the ties and the pipe. So, he decided to lower his goals and simply get the inhaler. It was a bit of a long shot but if he could force them further down toward the ground, and stretch his body out he believed he might be able to reach it with his foot. There were a lot of might’s, and Tyler hadn’t worked out any further steps, but he couldn’t just hang here. He felt like a piece of meat hanging in a slaughterhouse, and that was not a comforting image.
(Just a bit of manipulation on my part. to give you an example of how I would have made that paragraph transition.)
He took a moment to study how Ben was secured, and apply it to his own situation. (a bit confusing. Cut it or Perhaps (and applied it to his own situation)
From the angle, (From his point of view) it seemed like he was connected to a similar place on his pipe. That would mean that(omit) he would need to lift his arms and pull them forward to clear the small joint, and then he could follow the curve of the pipe down toward the floor.
(I'm going to stop here.)
Hey Todd,
I like the story and your writing. I hope my input here is not taken as harsh it was not intended to be. I am aware that this is a draft and I hope this helps you in some way. I would be willing to start from the beginning with you if you wanted another pair of eyes on it but make sure you keep the draft going and leave the front end kind of alone until you get to the end. Once you finish this story you may have to add information in the opening chapters. So, if you edit chapter one this week and a month from now you realize you forgot something it will be double/triple/quadruple work. Just my opinion but I’ve been there.
Cheers,
Chazz
(However, there was a flaw. Step one seemed impossible.)
something like this will move you to your next paragraph cleaner
There was a flaw though, he couldn’t get past step one.
He’d heard all the stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. He needed to give birth, or start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He yanked harder against the bonds. His straining and grunting only seemed to be hurting his wrists more. He was getting nowhere.
(seemed to make him hurt more.....
Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of. Kurt Vonnegut.
(I do this as well when I draft. Too many he/he's try to break this pattern)
loose Example this is your work not mine.
Tyler had heard stories of desperate mothers lifting cars off their children. Maybe that was the missing element. With hard yanks to the bonds Tyler wondered if he needed to give birth, start working out, or get hit by gamma rays. He was getting nowhere and all of his Straining and grunting just hurt his wrists more.
(Sloppy example sorry but I’m short on time today.)
To add to this joy, Ben’s wheezing sounded worse. The other boy hung in place with his head down making no effort to get free. Maybe he’d tried the same plan earlier and had (omit Had) given up. “We’ll get out of this.” Tyler said, which was sounding to him more stupid by the minute. (Choppy needs a clean up)
Tyler noticed that there was a bit of give between the ties and the pipe. So, he decided to lower his goals and simply get the inhaler. It was a bit of a long shot but if he could force them further down toward the ground, and stretch his body out he believed he might be able to reach it with his foot. There were a lot of might’s, and Tyler hadn’t worked out any further steps, but he couldn’t just hang here. He felt like a piece of meat hanging in a slaughterhouse, and that was not a comforting image.
(Just a bit of manipulation on my part. to give you an example of how I would have made that paragraph transition.)
He took a moment to study how Ben was secured, and apply it to his own situation. (a bit confusing. Cut it or Perhaps (and applied it to his own situation)
From the angle, (From his point of view) it seemed like he was connected to a similar place on his pipe. That would mean that(omit) he would need to lift his arms and pull them forward to clear the small joint, and then he could follow the curve of the pipe down toward the floor.
(I'm going to stop here.)
Hey Todd,
I like the story and your writing. I hope my input here is not taken as harsh it was not intended to be. I am aware that this is a draft and I hope this helps you in some way. I would be willing to start from the beginning with you if you wanted another pair of eyes on it but make sure you keep the draft going and leave the front end kind of alone until you get to the end. Once you finish this story you may have to add information in the opening chapters. So, if you edit chapter one this week and a month from now you realize you forgot something it will be double/triple/quadruple work. Just my opinion but I’ve been there.
Cheers,
Chazz