Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[jdvanwijk]

@Milo: thanks for catching that one. Changed it in the second edit, along with some other minor changes.
Is the syntax in the whole poem correct now? As a non-native speaker I always find that difficult to judge...

@Heslopian: I understand what you mean now. I'll think about that for the next edit.

@Everyone else: are there other things that you feel that need to be changed, streamlined or expanded in the next edit? And how does that line break in L3 feel, does it work or is it just confusing?

(I'm going for a certain fluidity of meaning with that odd line break, but it may not work at all, I probably lack the skills to pull it off convincingly.

"It was small, but treasured" first refers to the guest room, but because of the line break, it also refers to my (baby) brother. It was my intention that "It was small but treasured: my brother/and I spent hours howling" could be read as "my brother and I" (we howled at the trains together) or "my brother, and I..." (connected with the funeral, it could be interpreted as "my brother is gone, and I cried for hours" -> in this case, the present has "invaded" the memory.)

All best,
Jan