Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Milo,

Thanks for the excellent feedback, a lot for me to work on.

All best,
Jan

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
and roaring at the trains crashing by.

I think you would be better served using active voice "Our guest room shook" "I'd spend" = spent

You can completely cut "useless" and "most" and "there" and "roaring"
Your line breaks through this section need to be completely reconsidered.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

"like a ghost, i appeared in front of my old home" is good.
you are doing something strange with the line breaks here, i am not sure if it is intentional but i like it quite a bit. "gone down" feels too prosaic.

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

once again, passive voice. Switch to "they buried"
I wouldn't normally say to add words but an "and" in front of placed gives a nice metric push.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -

Something strange about the syntax here, i don't think you are pulling it off, look at it without line breaks -

"I closed my eyes, fast train approaching -inhaled all the air in the park, the streets, the city; inhaled all light from the houses, the cars, the sun itself -"

grammatically this is a mess and the punctuation isn't helping.

inhaled all the air in the park,

you might want to break on air

the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

I would consider trimming the second and third "all"'s

I think you have a good start here. It speaks well to an instance of catharsis of youth and nostalgia.

Thanks for posting. Good luck!