Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[Truerenigma]

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
This contraction here bothers me. What's wrong with "my brother and I spent hours there"?
and roaring at the trains crashing by.
I don't think you need both howling and roaring. Maybe pick one and cut the other.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
I like this metaphor. The wording is awkward though, and I almost missed it; syntactically it's unclear whether it's the support or the bridge that's gone down, and could you find a more concrete way to solidify it, in detail? I mean literally it need some concrete, or steel, wrought iron, wooden columns, something.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -This is confusing, because I thought they've buried the tracks? BTW who is "they", and why not just "they", instead of "they've"?

inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses, "inhaled all light" ... is strange phrasing. Why not use a simple image? the lights in the windows, the light from the 60 watt bulbs in the ceiling fans...
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.


Original

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

This poem is a bastard child of my poems "Whoosh" and "Primal", mixed with some memories of living very near the railroad tracks when I was young, and jderimend's observation that all poetic composition is a rally cry against the inevitability of death. Oh, and a splash of "Cabaret".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu_aHXfr7Sg

Thank you for the large print. It's luxury reading--no squinting necessary.

I'm interested in seeing where you take this one. Just thought I would stop in and offer my two cents.

Oh, and I don't watch YouTube videos before crit in Serious. It's the poem and only the poem, unless there's an epiographff, or it's ekphrastic.

Thanks for sharing.

p.s. it looks like you already got some crits, sorry if any of this was already covered. I don't read crits before crit either. (although i sometimes crit the crits after my crit.)