Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Scott,

Thanks for your comments. I agree that L3-4 sound a bit off, I'll have to work on that. I do think the first verse needs something along these lines to enhance the atmosphere and joyfulness of the memory though.

I'm hesitant to throw out death altogether. For me, that's kind of the point of the poem, the helplessness we feel in the face of death and change. But maybe it could be more subtle... I'll have to think about that.

All best!
Jan

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

There's a beautiful poem in here, but i think it needs to be trimmed.

"It was small, useless,
most treasured: "

...i don't understand and it doesn't seem to add anything to the poem, i suggest removing it.

i would also remove "crashing by."

You van change

"A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house."

with something that brings you to the house.

I think the theme of the poem is breathing in your childhood
and then releasing in exhale. I wouldn't bring death or tragedy into it.

Before the last line you could add something like "counted to a thousand"

This is just my take, I may have taken the poem too far off track.

Scott