11-20-2013, 05:07 AM
It’s raining calicos and bulldogs; Great setting of the theme for the piece--okay Kid, let's ride
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive. This is likely my favourite line. I really enjoy the way you messed with sentence structure
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt. I think 'stabbing' works better here, since the stilettos belong to hopping dame
It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum Nice line break here
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours Oh no, that word! Undulating, for me, totally breaks the theme. It's a great word, but not one you'd ever hear in this kind of narrative
into eager paws.
Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos. Not sure you need this particular line. Calamity seems to cover it, so chaos comes off as redundant
”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill. Great stanza
Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides Todd was right here, the slide has a very cool, jazzy sound to it
a derringer from her garter. A lovely and fitting conclusion
Almost disappointed there aren't anymore revisions I can make here. This bird came out of the oven already cooked. Still, it's a fun poem that brings back some good memories for me, so thank you for another solid one
amber lamps pinstripe
the murk as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive. This is likely my favourite line. I really enjoy the way you messed with sentence structure
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt. I think 'stabbing' works better here, since the stilettos belong to hopping dame
It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.
She’s soaked
in allure; cagey under platinum Nice line break here
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips
off undulating contours Oh no, that word! Undulating, for me, totally breaks the theme. It's a great word, but not one you'd ever hear in this kind of narrative
into eager paws.
Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos. Not sure you need this particular line. Calamity seems to cover it, so chaos comes off as redundant
”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill. Great stanza
Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly, she slides Todd was right here, the slide has a very cool, jazzy sound to it
a derringer from her garter. A lovely and fitting conclusion
Almost disappointed there aren't anymore revisions I can make here. This bird came out of the oven already cooked. Still, it's a fun poem that brings back some good memories for me, so thank you for another solid one
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"