Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Heslopian,

Thanks for your comments, glad you enjoyed the poem. Those are useful questions, I do need to consider the clarity in some parts of the poem.

The first verse I actually wanted to situate in the same house that the narrator comes back to later in the poem. Maybe I can sneak it in somewhere in the first two lines...

The funeral was meant literally, the bridge was intended as metaphor. Do you think this relationship needs more clarification in the poem? I was trying to suggest that an important person for the narrator had died (possibly a family member); the stability of our own life (the bridge) is dependent on the lifes of the ones we love (the supports). And like a bridge collapsing, death always seems to come in waves... When everybody's gone, people often collapse quickly themselves.

I'll consider leaving that one line out; I do think it's important though to stress the change from the loud past to the quiet present, but maybe the image in the next two lines is enough.

The train is a remembered train, the tracks that ran in front of the house (and the world the narrator remembers) are gone now.

Thanks again for your comment and all best,
Jan

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother Is the room part of an abandoned railway station?
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down. Is the funeral a metaphor relating to the bridge's gradual disassembly, or has the narrator returned to town for a literal funeral?
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house. Excellent couple of lines, coming as they do after a verse of joyous childhood memory.
It was quiet: Is this line needed?
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching. Is this a literal or remembered train?

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out. Wonderfully subtle last verse and line.

I found it really hard to critique this one because it's pretty much perfect as is. Compact, well-conveyed and rich in atmosphere. That's why most of my actual critique is just requests for clarification, and even my one suggestion for removal isn't one I feel very strongly about. Thank you for the read