A Look at Cupid

[jdvanwijk]

There are some things that could be improved in my opinion, though. Hope my comments can be of any use to you!

Revision 1:
(Todd/Milo thanks)

In all my circling wondering, I like the circling, both Cupid's motion and being trapped in a thought.
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see. "things she shouldn't see" doesn't roll off the tongue very well (s-sh-sh-s). Also the rhyme be/see feels a bit simplistic.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,A flash-bulb as an image for an epiphany I find somewhat clichéd. Maybe find another image?
I watched you fall in love with me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was dreamt, the eletricityTypo: electricity.
infused my skin. So everyday every day instead of everyday?
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for simplicity
in love. You felt it too, I know,Though I like the way "weigh my longing for simplicity in love" sounds, I can't really make sense out of it. This could be just me of course, but maybe you could be more clear here. "I know" feels like filler, to rhyme with "ago".
we glimpsed it one time years ago.


Original:

In all my circling wondering,
I dared a glimpse of who we'd be,
my foolish Psyche hungering
for all the things she shouldn't see.
A flash-bulb quick epiphany,
you loved the very heart of me
like children do in summer's sweet
humidity and though that heat
was only dreamt, I felt the eletricity
inside my skin. So everyday
I mourn your carnal spark and weigh
my longing for a rare simplicity
like love. You felt it too, I know,
we glimpsed it one time years ago.