Film Noir

[Todd]

Hi Chris, I really like this. You capture the mood very well.

Here are some general comments below:

First off, when I hear these narrations in my mind, they are always past tense. Do you know if that conforms with the genre? First line then: It was raining calicos and bulldogs. That may be my biggest structural comment.

It’s raining calicos and bulldogs;--That's funny and sets the mood for the rain and the over the top descriptors of the genre.
amber lamps pin-stripe the murk,--Love pinstripe (I generally see it written as one word, though I'm not sure if there are options). I'd be tempted to end the line on pinstripe (just for how well it lends to the feel and move "the murk," down to start the next line
as a dark sedan veers
down the private drive.
A leggy dame hops out of the boiler,
her stilettos stab asphalt.

It was 2 am. The doll
crosses the foyer then lingers.--all fun to this point.
She’s soaked in allure;--consider breaking on soaked and move "in allure;" to start the cagey line
cagey under platinum--like this line a lot
locks and gray fedora.
Her sodden trench coat drips--Great break and use of drips for both lines
off undulating contours
into eager paws.

Dutch takes the plunge,
head-first, into calamity
and chaos.

”Make us a drink, darling,”
the bird tweets,
with absolutely no interest
in dipping her bill.--good line

Pale gams swing heels,
full hips sashay staircase.
Languidly,--Consider pulling she slides up and making "a derringer from her garter" its own line.
she slides a derringer
from her garter.

Much enjoyed Chris.

Best,

Todd