Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

I've got to hear milo say snug as a gun!

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Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost paths,
count the feet that rut the splintered gray slats;
the bicycles pedal as mornings' light sets fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant,
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends that fill long days,
the horizon glitters before them; reflects
in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris,
and what were memories,
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.

Just some suggestions for breaks, tense, and punctuation.

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I must ask though, do bicycles pedal, or do the riders pedal the bicycles?

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Btw I enjoyed the imagery, as well as these sounds: paths, slats, pant; and wait, rakes.

Hi, tru, thanks for reading, and for your interesting edit. Another nay on the parentheses. The version I'm working on has lost them.

Bicycles pedaled: I was trying to say count in one's mind the bicycles that were pedaled on this path that no longer exists. Major fail, eh? Thanks for being an additional neon arrow there, hopefully the next version will be clearer.

Again, thanks all for the time you've all given this meager thing.