11-18-2013, 09:58 AM
Hey mate,
Firstly, I'm a total novice myself so take anything said with suitable skepticism.
Good subject matter and you have the bones of something, but you need to trim this substantially to bring some rhythm to it.
As an example, here's a suggested edit of your first four lines.
"He truly chased the dragon's tail,
A captain driven by a cocaine sail.
Upping anchor he departed sanity
To explore the underbelly of humanity."
And some more general explanation below;
Hunter s. Thompson truly chased the dragons tail,
As someone else has already mentioned, you don't need to identify Hunter having done so in the title
While captaining a ship of madness powered by a cocaine sail.
Captain and sail are sufficient to strike up this image.
I particularly enjoy your cocaine sail image btw. Nicely captures both the tautness and looseness.
He pulled up anchor and left behind sanity,
In search of his treasure, the dark underbelly of humanity.
Its tough to get the tongue around these lines. Need to be trimmed (as suggested above). I also found the treasure/dark underbelly references conflicting.
Hunter sailed upon LSD wishes and mescaline dreams, Need to remove the repetition of sail. Try and find something more tumultuous, LSD/mescaline are rarely plain sailing (pardon the cliche).
Only to find the world isn't quite as beautiful as it seems. too cliched
He took in the undesirable, he took in the bad,
He translated it all through his pen, and onto his pad. I understand your intent here but the lines are weak. Look for a more subtle way to explain this aspect of his character. Perhaps something that also captures the opposite aspect. Him being drawn into the undesirable as much as he took it upon himself.
Hunter left us to soon, no more stories for him to make.
Forever sailing upon a limitless sea of booze, Sailing repeated again.
Leaving only genius in his wake...
As I said, all suggestions only. I really enjoyed reading this. The nautical theme gives you a host of vocabulary and imagery to expand this.
I'm sure you'll work this into a fitting tribute to the man he was.
Thanks for posting.
Firstly, I'm a total novice myself so take anything said with suitable skepticism.
Good subject matter and you have the bones of something, but you need to trim this substantially to bring some rhythm to it.
As an example, here's a suggested edit of your first four lines.
"He truly chased the dragon's tail,
A captain driven by a cocaine sail.
Upping anchor he departed sanity
To explore the underbelly of humanity."
And some more general explanation below;
Hunter s. Thompson truly chased the dragons tail,
As someone else has already mentioned, you don't need to identify Hunter having done so in the title
While captaining a ship of madness powered by a cocaine sail.
Captain and sail are sufficient to strike up this image.
I particularly enjoy your cocaine sail image btw. Nicely captures both the tautness and looseness.
He pulled up anchor and left behind sanity,
In search of his treasure, the dark underbelly of humanity.
Its tough to get the tongue around these lines. Need to be trimmed (as suggested above). I also found the treasure/dark underbelly references conflicting.
Hunter sailed upon LSD wishes and mescaline dreams, Need to remove the repetition of sail. Try and find something more tumultuous, LSD/mescaline are rarely plain sailing (pardon the cliche).
Only to find the world isn't quite as beautiful as it seems. too cliched
He took in the undesirable, he took in the bad,
He translated it all through his pen, and onto his pad. I understand your intent here but the lines are weak. Look for a more subtle way to explain this aspect of his character. Perhaps something that also captures the opposite aspect. Him being drawn into the undesirable as much as he took it upon himself.
Hunter left us to soon, no more stories for him to make.
Forever sailing upon a limitless sea of booze, Sailing repeated again.
Leaving only genius in his wake...
As I said, all suggestions only. I really enjoyed reading this. The nautical theme gives you a host of vocabulary and imagery to expand this.
I'm sure you'll work this into a fitting tribute to the man he was.
Thanks for posting.