The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[tectak]

Hello charles,
I confess that this one troubles me on several levels. The reason I use the "confess" word is because I knew Willy...not your Willy...my Willy. Where I am now, I am convinced that there is, or will be, a Willyo in everyone's life. So. What's my point? Well, if you want this to work you have to convince me that your Willy is better than my Willy. You think I am joking? No. Not even close.
This is a formula poem. The concept is much greater than the poetry...to you.
As a tribute or memorial it is fine, just fine...but as a poem it is thin as cellophane.
Look what you give me. He's a crazy old nigger ( please, historically anachronistic? OK. Try "black bastard"...happy now?) who dances a weird ol' dance for a dollar. He was in a movie or seven...I saw him.
Now, this MAY be veracity verse...so MAKE me believe in your Willy. As it is, you are sticking a few uninspiring cameo-construct words in to a story that has been overtold...if there is such a word...and if there ain't there should be.
Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
On a different level...you missed an opportunity here. This is a MEMORY...your memory...your fond/familiar/favourite memory...where is the pathos, the imagined depth of time-enhanced emotions.
It needs more texture.
Best,
tectak

Hey Tectak,
I'm sorry that my work has troubled you on so many levels. As far as convincing you that my willy is better than yours, it's a moot point. It was not my intention to glorify and honor his life but to apologize in some way for my actions. That is the pathos. Also, there has been some controversy over my beautiful black bastard line. Sorry but it was not inserted to gild the lily. There are multiple meanings in that line but if you really want to dissect it, split it into three words. Beautiful- (innocent because of his affliction- he was free from inhibition) --black- (he was black)-- bastard- (cast out) ....That is all.... Historically anachronistic? God give me a break get over yourself, your pomposity is mind blowing. You invented the crazy nigger in your head not me because I write the truth that exists inside me. So if i wanted to put crazy old nigger i would have. I don't filter myself obviously.

Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
I wrote the resume in the bottom so that anyone who was going to critique this poem would have some background on the subject to help me make this better.

On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
There is no verbal rhythm to this dance... Do you have an idea that will help me in anyway?

It needs more texture.
Now this can help me Where? How? Can you elaborate as to how you would handle this poem?

Overall your critique seemed more like a foot stomp than anything else ... If tough love is your approach then I feel really sorry for you. There are better ways to skin this cat. Also, perhaps you should rethink the way that you address people that are trying to improve their craft, because you can defiantly damage a persons self esteem and possibly make them give up on something that they enjoy. I may be crazy but i'm pretty sure that that's already happened once or twice on this site. This may come as a surprise but not everyone has your poetic ability, so why not give advice as to how i can make this poem better instead of writing me something that reads like hate mail.
XXOO,
Charles
[/quote]
Hello charles,
No prisoners taken and no favourites. I call as I see. The points I made stand from where I am looking. My poetic ability is, like yours, open to crit. OK. Enough of this banter.
Texture. You have a story to tell which by your externalising is true. So you write it as you see it. OK. Docuverse. Now write it so that I can feel what you feel. You see, I don't want side notes to tell me how I should react to a poem. I want the POEM to tell me.
Descriptively you got strung out with a simplistic dance. Why did be dance the way he did? Was he crazy? What made him crazy? Where did he sleep? How did be live? Why was he here? You didn't know then, but this is now. What are your contemporaneous thoughts? How do you reconcile your thinking then and now? Are you sorry for your opinion or actions then? Is there a Iife lesson metaphor in the story? YES! Yes!
...and that is what I feel is missing. At the end of it all I found myself asking...and your point is?
So don't go getting all prima donna...I comment on your poem, not you. Trouble is, the poem seems to be about you as much, or more, than Willy...and it is your texture that is missing.
Rhythm? Oh come on....you ARE well written and you don't need anyone to tell you what rhythm is....just question why you didn't use it.

Do NOT be dissuaded by crit on this site, in this forum, by this or any other crit. You post in Serious workshopping and you will get serious crit.
I square the circle...I post poetry, too.
Best,
tectak