"I Plummet, As I Lie in Bed"

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I plummet, as I lie in bed,
just as I start to slip away,
through memories of things you said,
and all the things I wished to say.

And when, in time, I end this fall,
as in some restless sleep I drown,
hopelessly, I meet your eyes; but that is all:
for even in my dreams, you turn me down.

Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do.
I act as I should, say what I should say,
but all the time, I think of only you.

Hi Alotos, how are things.
The title of the poem is great. Also there are some good lines in there.
But for me the poem fell apart a bit. Lots of the lines are a bit lacklustre. For example "Again, I rise, to live another day,
if living is the word for what I do."
Maybe try to think of another way you might say this, maybe using imagery or symbolism, something to give it more punch.
Here is an example using the words you have used, but simply worded differently.
Again, I rise, to live another day,
'live' God that's what some might say.
Sorry I am going on here a bit. Yes good title, some good lines but needs some restructuring around these lines.
I hope this is helpful.
Jae