We may have been in love that time

[tectak]

edit 2 thanks Todd

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Whispers conspired, giggles crouched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Then autumn storms blustered around us,
flashing conversation spilled out and over, semi colon. You are about to shift focus but not view.
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds Hmmm. Maybe period here. Try it. Get rid of that dash, use a comma.
too alike to wade in deeper-- our hands went limp
that night. I didn't drift further but you slipped away
when the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm. the tainted calm
Good edit justc. Very nice work. Don't like the dash because I don't know what you want it to mean but apart from that it flies.
Well done,
tectak


edit 1, thanks AJ, tectak and lucent

We may have been in love that time

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Our minds conspired, giggles hunched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Flashing conversation spilled out and over,
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds
too alike to wade in deeper-- our stars did not align
that night. I kept my head, but lost yours
once the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm.

_______________________________________________________

original

Remember?

We splashed down the street;
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch.

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches.

Puddled reflections mirrored two
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep.

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm.

I kept my head above
but lost you, once the waves
we made caught up.