Accompany, revision of Walk With Me

[justcloudy]

I agree with Ella and Todd that this revision is definitely on the right track. Love the subject matter and the way you're dealing with it.

Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar

Pain, the Tour Guide

"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat." Why not try describing the heat? Is it dry desert heat or humid tropical heat? That'd help give the reader more context I think.
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree. Love it.

Weary leg muscles protest This is a bit boring compared to the rest imo.
Pain's squeezing touch. =]
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin. Maybe a dash here instead, and then semicolon after peeling? Just a thought.
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.

Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers. There's something slightly off about these two lines. It's weird to think of the body weeping instead of the person, but maybe you're going for that disconnect, not sure.
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!" Now the "us" works, well done. Maybe "Hell drags us in." instead of about?

Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers, Really like those two lines...
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is. ... but think the ending could be stronger.

Thanks for posting this, really enjoyed it!

-justcloudy