Accompany, revision of Walk With Me

[ellajam]

Hi, Graystar,
I think you've done some wonderful edit work here. To me, It now reads more like Pain as a lover than a tourguide, much more captivating. Maybe a change of title is in order.

Here's a link to the site's format for posting your edits.

Here are a few notes:

Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar

Pain, the Tour Guide

"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat."
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree. I love what you've done with this

Weary leg muscles protest
Pain's squeezing touch.
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin. I'm not sure about this period
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.

Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers. comma? semicolon? I'm a punctuation dunce but this seems off
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!" not a fan of about

Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is. You could probably find something stronger than "that she is" as a final note


Hi Beaufort! I'm new here too and do I ever empathize with you! Took me awhile to learn how to bold, copy, quote, you name it and I felt like a nutter! And then to critique someone else, oh my! I fear hurting feelings, I fear looking stupid, I fear I don't know a damn thing about poetry. Be brave! There is a learning curve here that may be endless. I hope you look over my revision. Comments are welcome. Believe me when I say yours DID help me. I follow a Toltec adage of 'Take nothing personally'. It helps. Thank you for your comments!

Hi Todd, I am so glad you pointed out the things you did! I had more fun revising and rewriting and trying again and again tonight. I hope you will look it over again. Thank you a bunch!

Great job here.