11-15-2013, 04:18 PM
Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar
Pain, the Tour Guide
"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat."
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree.
Weary leg muscles protest
Pain's squeezing touch.
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin.
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.
Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers.
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"
Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is.
Hi Beaufort! I'm new here too and do I ever empathize with you! Took me awhile to learn how to bold, copy, quote, you name it and I felt like a nutter! And then to critique someone else, oh my! I fear hurting feelings, I fear looking stupid, I fear I don't know a damn thing about poetry. Be brave! There is a learning curve here that may be endless. I hope you look over my revision. Comments are welcome. Believe me when I say yours DID help me. I follow a Toltec adage of 'Take nothing personally'. It helps. Thank you for your comments!
Hi Todd, I am so glad you pointed out the things you did! I had more fun revising and rewriting and trying again and again tonight. I hope you will look it over again. Thank you a bunch!
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar
Pain, the Tour Guide
"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat."
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree.
Weary leg muscles protest
Pain's squeezing touch.
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin.
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.
Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers.
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"
Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is.
Hi Beaufort! I'm new here too and do I ever empathize with you! Took me awhile to learn how to bold, copy, quote, you name it and I felt like a nutter! And then to critique someone else, oh my! I fear hurting feelings, I fear looking stupid, I fear I don't know a damn thing about poetry. Be brave! There is a learning curve here that may be endless. I hope you look over my revision. Comments are welcome. Believe me when I say yours DID help me. I follow a Toltec adage of 'Take nothing personally'. It helps. Thank you for your comments!
Hi Todd, I am so glad you pointed out the things you did! I had more fun revising and rewriting and trying again and again tonight. I hope you will look it over again. Thank you a bunch!