11-15-2013, 08:13 AM
In defiant opposition
to our lean blades
of Old Kentucky Blue,
centurion clones
donning gold helms
annexed our sun
and stormed en mass. [b] - 'en masse' is generally spelled with an e.
Scuttling on their armored
arthropod legs, crabgrass
took our main grounds
when water rations ran low. -I love the phrase ' armored/ arthropod legs, crabgrass.'
Rebellious ivy ascended
our regime’s façade.
Ramparts were reclaimed;
festooned with their dreadlocks. - I think the rhythm would be stronger without 'their', though the image is quite delightful.
Mum in our rooms,
having lost all our blooms,
we plot to reseed another day. - I find the rhyme here a little overdone. The last line doesn't feel right rhythmically.
I'm not entirely sure how you intend this poem to be interpreted. At first I thought you were describing some sort of alien warfare, as the arthropod centurions 'annexed our sun', but this doesn't work with the idea of a localized, Kentucky army. Then I thought it was a perhaps a riddle describing in minute and hyperbolic detail the lives of plants waiting to 'reseed' while they are overcome by an invasion of bugs. Are the blades in the first stanza Kentucky bluegrass? This seems at odds with the annexed sun, the ivy, and the (in this instance) somewhat too elaborate military imagery. But whatever you are trying to portray seems quite specific and narrative, and I feel it should thus be a clarified. Overall, I find the cadences to be quite strong and martial, which seems to compliment your topic very well!
Thanks for posting!
to our lean blades
of Old Kentucky Blue,
centurion clones
donning gold helms
annexed our sun
and stormed en mass. [b] - 'en masse' is generally spelled with an e.
Scuttling on their armored
arthropod legs, crabgrass
took our main grounds
when water rations ran low. -I love the phrase ' armored/ arthropod legs, crabgrass.'
Rebellious ivy ascended
our regime’s façade.
Ramparts were reclaimed;
festooned with their dreadlocks. - I think the rhythm would be stronger without 'their', though the image is quite delightful.
Mum in our rooms,
having lost all our blooms,
we plot to reseed another day. - I find the rhyme here a little overdone. The last line doesn't feel right rhythmically.
I'm not entirely sure how you intend this poem to be interpreted. At first I thought you were describing some sort of alien warfare, as the arthropod centurions 'annexed our sun', but this doesn't work with the idea of a localized, Kentucky army. Then I thought it was a perhaps a riddle describing in minute and hyperbolic detail the lives of plants waiting to 'reseed' while they are overcome by an invasion of bugs. Are the blades in the first stanza Kentucky bluegrass? This seems at odds with the annexed sun, the ivy, and the (in this instance) somewhat too elaborate military imagery. But whatever you are trying to portray seems quite specific and narrative, and I feel it should thus be a clarified. Overall, I find the cadences to be quite strong and martial, which seems to compliment your topic very well!
Thanks for posting!