11-15-2013, 04:02 AM
You certainly don't need to worry about a lack of heart. I actually used your poem as an example to my wife, this morning, of how nice a soft poem can sound.
There's definitely something mixed in the tenses of the first stanza ( at least I think it's definite
). The ghost effectively takes care of everything right up until, 'the bicycles pedaled". Count is a present verb which works fine for the second clause. However, come the third clause we have an issue because the comma only works in a list, but doesn't replace and otherwise. If you strip it down you can see the issue more clearly
Count the feet that rutted (...), the bicycles pedaled(...).
There are two fixes I can think of.
Count the feet that rutted...and the bicycles that pedaled...
or, drop the as so bicycle pedaled becomes an adjective
the bicycle pedaled
mornings' rolling light set fire
Whether you fix it or not (or if I'm wrong and it doesn't need to be fixed), the poem is already lovely.
There's definitely something mixed in the tenses of the first stanza ( at least I think it's definite
). The ghost effectively takes care of everything right up until, 'the bicycles pedaled". Count is a present verb which works fine for the second clause. However, come the third clause we have an issue because the comma only works in a list, but doesn't replace and otherwise. If you strip it down you can see the issue more clearlyCount the feet that rutted (...), the bicycles pedaled(...).
There are two fixes I can think of.
Count the feet that rutted...and the bicycles that pedaled...
or, drop the as so bicycle pedaled becomes an adjective
the bicycle pedaled
mornings' rolling light set fire
Whether you fix it or not (or if I'm wrong and it doesn't need to be fixed), the poem is already lovely.
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"