11-14-2013, 11:51 PM
[quote='ellajam' pid='147202' dateline='1384437454']
Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled (not sure you need this line if you cut it i think the verse will be stronger.)
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.
Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.
Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.
Hey there,
I really enjoyed this. I have only one suggestion above.
regards,
Chazz
Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled (not sure you need this line if you cut it i think the verse will be stronger.)
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.
Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.
Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.
Hey there,
I really enjoyed this. I have only one suggestion above.
regards,
Chazz