11-13-2013, 05:40 PM
Hi Linda,
I have to agree with the previous comments about stanza 1 being largly redundant. (I like "sit on haunches"...to me this suggested a state of semi sitting - hunckered down into a squat..instead of planted on your arse! Sits on haunches works for me).
I did not have so much trouble with the use of "that" in the last line. In my read I read this as an Eden referance and tied in the red stain of the stamen with the lilies of the garden being other men / killing Able guilt.
This said the ending is a bit weak as it is and I think this is the area that could most do with some re-thinking.
All the best AJ.
I have to agree with the previous comments about stanza 1 being largly redundant. (I like "sit on haunches"...to me this suggested a state of semi sitting - hunckered down into a squat..instead of planted on your arse! Sits on haunches works for me).
I did not have so much trouble with the use of "that" in the last line. In my read I read this as an Eden referance and tied in the red stain of the stamen with the lilies of the garden being other men / killing Able guilt.
This said the ending is a bit weak as it is and I think this is the area that could most do with some re-thinking.
All the best AJ.