Fragments

[billy]

have a good check on the punctuation, it one of my many failing, as such it best to really give it a good going over. look out for double word use, always try and be fresh. try and make the poem more accessible, at present the poem feels fragmented.
i saw your comment in response to toms feedback :J:
thanks for the read.

Etched memories, carved. etched and carved follow a similar image. i'd suggest use one or the other
Into barren stone.
Slightly faint: what does slightly faint mean, does it mean faint?
is meaning subdued and is this a question or should read as its?
battered.
in general i'd try and work at least one solid image into the stanza. and an example would be;
memories etch with broken nails
into barren......
okay it's not the greatest of images but with thought you could come up with 1 or 2 to use

Grinded stone [Ground] would something other than stone work better as stone has already been used?
scattered. can you scatter 1 stone?
Nestling no need to use single word lines unless it warrants it, these words as they are don't have enough power on their own, create a sentence.
in the sand.
Glimmering bright, bright is sort of redundant
illuminating the no need for [the]
shadows.
Casting darkness crescent. needs to have more clarity, casting a dark crescent

The Moon is bleeding now this is an image.
the blood, a child's a child's blood.
it washes through my hair
drenching me it's a given unless you're at the hair salon
I am disgusted:
reminded of love.
if you put a semi colon after me;
you could tidy the rest up a bit
drenching me;
disgusted
I am reminded of love.

A time of scattered pieces, pieces of what?
repressed.
Memories breaking free, what memories (this word has also been used before) use an image when you can. here is the perfect place, (memories break like grouse from heather)( history breaks like flames from a fire)
rising above the neglect.
The illusions, we need to see what some of these intangibles are
decaying.
The flesh, its stench - stronger..

Cool mists settling
the water's surface a host.
Darkness, consistent.
Constantly concealing the pieces
to the puzzle plaguing your memory.
Still they glimmer!