Hi Linda (right?),
I know this will sound abrupt. Just an opinion: While there is some nice writing in S1, I think you should cut it. You need the child to start the poem, and personified guilt feels like it was used to get you to where the poem actually started. S2
I love S2 and S3.
My only other suggestion is ending on a question here seems to lack something. Maybe,
I scrub at the guilt on my own skin,
yet it clings to me, deep red stamen--
the lingering scent of ripened flowers --
stain of lilies on my blouse.
Obviously, if I've committed sacrilege with your poem please revert to a previous version.
Just thoughts.
Best,
Todd
I know this will sound abrupt. Just an opinion: While there is some nice writing in S1, I think you should cut it. You need the child to start the poem, and personified guilt feels like it was used to get you to where the poem actually started. S2
I love S2 and S3.
My only other suggestion is ending on a question here seems to lack something. Maybe,
I scrub at the guilt on my own skin,
yet it clings to me, deep red stamen--
the lingering scent of ripened flowers --
stain of lilies on my blouse.
Obviously, if I've committed sacrilege with your poem please revert to a previous version.
Just thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson