Spent

[ellajam]

Hi, Nick, I enjoyed this, here are a few notes.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air. I would cut "ones"
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way nice line, brought up a series of images

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such

I think the poem would benefit from cutting the above section, the list at a minimum. You address your involvement later on.

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- not sold on caressing
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper I like this section but it's not the ride of their life, probably dead on impact


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine molted?
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me Nice ending

Just a few thoughts.
This was a fun read, thanks for posting it.