Spent

[justcloudy]

Hi Nick.

I really admire what youre trying to do with this and in some parts I love it, but sometimes it falls flat... Comments below.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs should that be capital? I dunno
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way There's something about this that is very appealing. Don't forget punctuation.

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices This part is pretty mundane. I think less obvious topics would be more witty. "My ice cream melting in the sun" sort of thing? Just a thought.
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence What huh?
next years drought This is the only one I like, and it's pretty good imo. Don't forget posessive 's.
and such punctuation.

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- These 3 lines are a bit of a mess. I don't know what the subject is (the thoughts? the butterflies? I guess you're going for both, which is great but you need a subject here, and not just "they"). also, they're too wordy and not sufficiently interesting.
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM! This line could be so much more.
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper nice line. Punctuation.


But for a moment I was no longer a man awkward transition.
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free nice image, but since when are butterflies invisible? Worth elaborating on.

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them I have no idea what these two lines mean.

It was good for me a bit trite. Ending on images makes poems more memorable

Overall lots of things to work on, but the skeleton is there and worth developing. Some good, strong images already, and lots of potential for many more.

-justcloudy