Fragments

[Todd]

Euan, just a very general comment: I think to do connected fragments well they have to be more clipped and shorter with less reaction and more immersion (that may not make sense). Let's just focus on your opening to illustrate:

Original

Etched memories, carved.
Into barren stone.
Slightly faint:
is meaning subdued and
battered.

First let's get it to the essentials (my take obviously):

Etched and carved are pretty similar words. So, I keep the cooler of the two (etched). Etched is a more evocative word for putting a design or words on a stone. Memories would seem to be etched not carved.

Memories etched
into barren stone.

That's the setup part of the fragment, and now you're looking to add the emotional content and/or the observation.

Slightly faint:
is meaning subdued and
battered.

These are the lines you need to work on. Okay this is not me rewriting what you have just illustrating how you could approach this (something like this):

Memories etched
into barren stone.
I have become
the mountain.

My suggestion is to build the image and let the image speak for you. They don't have to have the "I" construction but they need to be tight to work. If that makes sense.

Hope some of that ramble helps.

Best,

Todd